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  • BUGS BUNNY VERSUS THE PIGEONS
  • COOL MOSS
  • A PLANT THAT GETS YOU BY
  • BACK FROM THE DREAD TRAPEZE BOY
  • BETTY BOOP LIVES ON
  • BUGS BUNNY VERSUS THE PIGEONS

    Dramatic monologue (Dave Bluefield)

    Ok, come on in. Thank you for responding to my distress call.
    Let's hook this thing up and pray that it works.
    
    You know for the first 6 months I had no problem at all with the 
    pigeons at my apartment here at the beach.
    Apparently the fake owls on the roof above and balcony below 
    were keeping them away. But then they found me.
    Then they targeted my balcony.
    Everyday. Every 10 minutes. Shit shit shit and more shit.
    
    First I called the apartment manager and he came right over with a 
    fake owl of my own. I filled it with sand so it wouldn't fall over the 
    balcony, and waited. One hour. Two hours. Nothing, No pigeons.
    Then suddenly, these same two pesky flying rats had returned to 
    my balcony with renewed vigor. Every 10 minutes. Landing right 
    next to my new owl. How adorable. Like long lost friends.
    
    Next I would try a rubber band gun. The plan was to sneak up on 
    those noisy disease carriers and blast them off the ledge. But 
    before I would buy either the expensive Smith & Wesson or Star 
    Trek versions online, I would try regular rubber bands first.
    Snap. Missed. Snap again. Missed again.
    Snap right into my wrist. Ouch.
    Those pesky birds were much too quick for the lousy shot I 
    apparently was- I needed something with a wider range.Water.
    
    So, option two in my Bugs Bunny versus the Pigeon Nemesis 
    cartoon was I would drench them with a water tommy-gun.
    First, I tested it by throwing water from a glass, but they out ran it 
    every single time and never felt a drop. With a blaster from ToysR 
    Us I realized I could cause some collateral damage on poor 
    unsuspecting folks walking peacefully below me, so, still believing 
    the owl's repellant powers would magically return, I would wait one 
    more day before getting the top of the line AK47. Then I saw it.
    
    As I waded through the fresh pigeon shit to look around, there it 
    was- tucked neatly and quietly in the corner, in an area partially 
    covered by a lawn chair, a nest with a baby pigeons egg resting on 
    top. Can you believe it?….those two pigeons were a couple of love 
    birds making a baby-shitter at my house. Now what?
    
    I quickly tossed the nest over the side and watched the twigs fly all 
    apart, the egg breaking open to feed a horde of hungry Seagulls.
    I felt guilty for all of 3 seconds. Then I waited again.
    Day one. Day two. Day three. Some hope. And, then, on day 4, 
    like nothing at all was amiss, the pigeons returned. Shit shit and 
    shit.
    
    And another nest! And another egg. This time in the other corner. 
    And another hurling of both nest and egg to the ground below, 
    this time yelling "Get the fuck off my balcony" .
    The people in the parking lot below me were thinking
    that I was going crazy and they were right.
    
    The tenant downstairs gave me some pigeon deterring spikes, that 
    did not work. Another tenant downstairs had solved the problem 
    with netting, but that would be too costly. I want to be able to look 
    out over my balcony not be trapped inside it. Fuck those birds for 
    ruining my life.
    
    So I channelled my inner Bugs Bunny and ratcheted things up.
    I would leave the screen-door ajar and have a broom waiting for 
    me on the balcony. Then I would ever so quietly grab the broom 
    and sneak up on the unsuspecting turd droppers like Babe Ruth 
    and Bambino them off into space. But all I did was whiff. And whiff 
    again while the venders in the parking lot below laughed heartily at 
    my pathetic attempts to hit a moving target.
    And now, with the screen-door open, those tiny-brained bastards 
    actually flew into my apartment to shit some more, only this time 
    on my couch!
    
    Stop laughing. This is serious. I only told you this so you can see 
    how desperately I need this high-pitched noise-emitter deterrent to 
    work. You say it's been on this whole time? Well, so far so good. 
    Oh, do you hear that? 
    It's those new next door neighbors of mine.  
    Yelling. Shouting. Screaming.
    "Get your pigeon-shitting asses the fuck off of my balcony!"
    
    Far out. Thank you noise-emitter.
    Hey I wonder if those neighbor kids would be interested in a good 
    deal on a hardly used fake owl.
    
    Wait. A few days later the noise-emitter had been knocked over 
    the top of the balcony wall only to splatter on the pavement below.
    
    Now what? I friend of mine told me about a pigeon solution that 
    worked for his buddy in Florida. Fishing line ! Extended across
    about 2-3 inches apart would surely work. I went to a store and
    got the line and hooks to attach it and lo and behold I had a barrier.
    
    I say on the couch looking out and sure enough a pigeon 
    approached only to hold up and be repelled by the force field
    -it worked. I could hear the "screeeeech" of pigeon brakes.
    But not so fast- the next day I saw the same old pigeon shit
    on the ground with several remnants of pigeon feathers left
    behind on the fishing line...yes they flew through the openings
    sacrificing feathers to get to my side and shit in peace.
    
    God help me. I moved. I come around every once in a while and
    see that the new tenant has taken down the fishing line- the fool.
    The cartoon continues only I get to see it from the perspective
    of a viewer instead of the participant...whoopee.